Do I want to be a freelancer?
I’ve been thinking about this for years now.
I think it’s what I want to do. Or at least where I want to start.
I’m scared, though.
Will I be able to get jobs?
Will I be able to support myself?
It’s so different from anything I’ve done before.
That’s what scares me.
It’s also what makes me want to try it.
Several months ago my therapist asked me what I wanted. I wasn’t really sure.
He told me to find my voice.
I wasn’t sure what that even meant. Isn’t it that sound I make when I talk? The one that sounds so horrible when someone records it and plays it back?
I’m still not sure exactly what I want. I have a vague, hazy idea. It used to be better defined.
I wanted to be with my family. To be able to spend time with them.
I wanted to move to a small town. I wanted to buy some land outside of town and build a house.
I wanted to start a few internet businesses. I wanted to work from home.
I wanted to help other people. I wanted to make a difference.
I still want those things. I never had a clear idea of how to get there.
Now it’s even less clear.
I’ve found my voice in another way. I’ve found a way to express myself.
I hope it will help me get what I want.
I keep things bottled up. I’ve been doing it for a long time.
It feels good to finally let them out. To let them go.
Some of these stories have been rattling around in my brain for years. Some for decades.
The way I’ve been living my life isn’t working for me.
I’m not talking about being married. Or having kids.
I’m talking about negativity. Self-defeating thoughts. Self-defeating behavior.
It seems like there’s a set of bad choices I keep making over and over.
I’m hoping writing them down will help me define them concretely.
I’m hoping it will help me recognize when I’m thinking about making them again.
I feel like some of those choices have cost me my integrity.
I’m hoping I can get it back.
I found out this morning that my job is being eliminated at the end of the year.
I had no idea anything like this would happen before today.
Maybe a month ago I asked my manager about two similarly named services our company offers. One is the service I support. The other is a similar service.
She said that some clients are being moved from our service to the other one. She said not to worry. The process would take years. I would most likely be trained to support the other service long before we stopped supporting the current one.
She believed it when she said it. I’m sure of that.
It’s not the first time I’ve been laid off. The last time I had no warning.
That’s the danger of being too dependent on one income.
One person can make a decision which can throw your whole future into doubt.
I know it wasn’t my manager’s decision. The decision was made by someone above her. Probably someone I’ve never met. Someone who doesn’t know or care about me.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point.
Getting one full-time job doesn’t seem like the smartest option, though.
I hate talking on the phone. I’ve been doing professionally for twelve years.
I’m an extreme introvert. Talking to strangers on the phone all day is DRAINING.
I’m shy. I avoid talking to strangers.
I’m incredibly awkward. I’m no good at small talk. Sometimes it’s hard to end conversations.
I’m sensitive. I talk to angry people. They take it out on me. I take it personally.
My job doesn’t leave me energy to do what I want to do.
I’m afraid to quit. Talking on the phone is my only real professional experience. I hate it, but I need to pay rent, bills, etc.
I’m not sure how much longer I can take it.