- Get repairs done to her house
- Get her a new house
- Get her some physical therapy
- Get her to see a therapist
- Support her so she can stop working
- Help her with lanudry
- Help her with grocery shopping
- Change all the burned out light bulbs
- Let her see my boys more often
- Take her to the zoo, etc., and rent her a scooter.
- Being able to hold my tongue (most of the time)
- Cuddling with my boys
- Hope for a better future
- A supportive mom
- My therapist
- My faith
- People posting resources online
- Small towns
- My wife
- My boys
- My mom
- My friends
- My car
- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
- Being able to go to the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert
- My apartment
- My shoes
Several months ago my therapist asked me what I wanted. I wasn’t really sure.
He told me to find my voice.
I wasn’t sure what that even meant. Isn’t it that sound I make when I talk? The one that sounds so horrible when someone records it and plays it back?
I’m still not sure exactly what I want. I have a vague, hazy idea. It used to be better defined.
I wanted to be with my family. To be able to spend time with them.
I wanted to move to a small town. I wanted to buy some land outside of town and build a house.
I wanted to start a few internet businesses. I wanted to work from home.
I wanted to help other people. I wanted to make a difference.
I still want those things. I never had a clear idea of how to get there.
Now it’s even less clear.
I’ve found my voice in another way. I’ve found a way to express myself.
I hope it will help me get what I want.
I was also feeling desperate.
My artist friend decided to take me around to “visit some people.” The people he took me to meet were all girls. We went to several apartments full of girls.
She was the only one who blatantly flirted with me. So she was the one I liked.
My friend warned me that she was just a flirt.
That didn’t stop me from getting attached.
She was sweet at first.
After a couple of months she started to show her true colors. By then we’d lost our virginity to each other.
She was critical. She’d make fun of me – the way I walked, the way I talked, etc.
I didn’t have a job at first. She said if I didn’t have a job I was worthless. I took my first phone job because of pressure from her.
She wanted to go out to dinner and a movie every night. I’d spend entire paychecks on dates with her.
She’d insist they weren’t “real dates” because I didn’t call her in advance to set them up.
I’d take her roses every week. That didn’t make her nicer to me.
At one point we were engaged. I bought her a cheap little gold ring. It was all I could afford. Later she got upset and threw the ring at me.
I hid things from her because I was afraid she’d be mean if she knew.
I quit one phone job because I couldn’t take it anymore. I lied to her and told her I was still working there. I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of her knowing I had quit.
Before I got another job her sister’s husband’s brother decided to sell his car. My girlfriend decided I was going to buy it. She was tired of driving me around.
I didn’t have enough money to buy it. She decided she would lend me the money.
A few weeks after I got the car a found another job. I finally told her I’d been lying about working at my previous job.
She was furious.
I didn’t see her for a few weeks. Eventually she started seeing me again.
A few weeks later we went out. I was really tired. Neither one of us could decide whether to go to dinner or to a movie first. Eventually she got mad and told me to just take her home.
I dropped her off. She slammed the door as she got out. I drove off and didn’t look back.
There was a girl at work I sat next to. We would joke around together. I think she might have dated me. I think things were going in that direction.
After a couple of weeks my girlfriend begged me back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get back together at first. I ended up getting back together with her because it was easy.
What a mistake!
She used to taunt me with this line from Poe’s Trigger-Happy Jack: “You can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being…” Ironic that she would say that to me…
The abuse didn’t usually cross over into physical abuse.
One time she kept pinching my arms. She wouldn’t stop. A little while later a bunch of red marks showed up on my arms. She had the nerve to ask where they came from.
I’m pretty sure she was bipolar. She was never officially diagnosed. Any time I even hinted that she might need some kind of help she’d get mad.
She had threatened to move out of her parent’s house multiple times, but never did. Eventually my mom’s water heather started leaking and soaked my bedroom floor. My girlfriend talked me into getting an apartment.
There was a neighborhood I liked. It was close to her work. She told me I shouldn’t move there. She talked me into getting a cheaper apartment in a much rougher neighborhood.
Sometimes I wonder if she was trying to kill me.
Eventually she cheated on me.
Her family went on vacation to the same place every year. She told me she always got sick and had a bad time.
We’d been together about a year and a half. It was vacation time again. She wasn’t going to go. She was going to spend time with me instead. A few days before her family left she announced she was going with them after all.
That Saturday I had a bad feeling I’d never had before. I decided to go to her house, just to set my mind at ease.
I looked in the window. Her family never closed the blinds. She was sitting on front of the computer with a guy I didn’t recognize. I found out later it was a guy from Texas she’d met in a chat room.
I guess she couldn’t find anyone closer…
She came to the door. She tried to calm me down. I asked her when she was going to come get her stuff from my apartment. She said she’d let me know.
She’d broken up with me multiple times. I guess it took me breaking up with her for it to stick.
She’d still come see me every few weeks. One time she stopped by on the way home from work. Eventually it became obvious she wanted more than conversation. I thought she wanted to get back together, so I went along with it. Afterward she told me we weren’t getting back together.
A few months later she was over to visit. I walked her out to her car. I went inside and looked out the window at her for a while. She sat in her car looking back at me. After a few minutes I looked down. After several minutes I looked back up, and she was gone. I went to bed that night still missing her. The next morning I didn’t miss her any more.
I still owed her the money for the car when we broke up. She had also bought me some things over the course of our relationship she decided I “owed” her for. I decided to give her the money rather than argue with her about it. It seemed like a small price to pay to have her out of my life.
Initially I gave her the checks in person when she’d come to visit. Once I didn’t miss her any more I started mailing them to her.
I delivered the last check in person. She’d held onto one of the keys to my car. She’d threatened to take the car if I didn’t give her what she said I owed her.
After that I cut her off. Moved. Changed my phone number. Blocked her email address.
I’m sure she’ll be mad if she ever reads this.
She’ll probably never talk to me again.
That’s probably for the best.
I try to be optimistic. I tell myself the future can be better than the present.
Sometimes it’s hard though.
Yesterday morning I was watching old family videos.
Wife and kids happy.
Now it’s coming to an end. That makes me feel depressed.
I wish I could go back and fix it. But I can’t.
I used to think about killing myself a lot. I’d have a fight with my wife and think “I can’t take this anymore!”
I rarely have those thoughts anymore. They still show up occasionally, though.
Therapy helps. Anti-depressants help. Thinking about how I can improve helps.
I still get depressed.
I don’t want to get divorced. It doesn’t seem like I have a choice, though.
But I can’t give up on life.