The Wall

Yesterday afternoon I took my boys to a park.  It’s not close to where they or I live.  We’ve visited it several times.

At the park’s playground is a large concrete structure.  One of the sides is a vertical wall about  six to seven feet high.  There are lots of pipes bent into loops sticking out to climb on.

I challenged my boys to climb it.  They were both nervous.  Soon my six-year-old had climbed to the top and was waving happily at me.

My nine-year-old made several attempts, never getting more than a foot or two off the ground.

My six-year-old eventually made the climb thirty times.

I asked my nine-year-old why he hadn’t made it up yet.  He was scared.  I showed him how easy it was for his brother.  There was nothing to be afraid of.  I offered him whatever help he needed.

He refused to make the climb.

He just wanted to go home and watch TV.

I told him we weren’t leaving until he climbed at least once.

After some coaxing he started to climb.

I gave him directions.

I held his feet so they wouldn’t slip.

He got scared.  He tried to climb back down.

I wouldn’t let him.

I told him he could do it.  That he was almost there.

His younger brother stood at the top, offering him help.

Eventually he made it.

He was shaking like a leaf.

On the way home I talked to him about the experience.  We discussed why it’s important to do things even though we’re afraid.  That anything worth doing is going to be scary at first.

It’s advice I needed to hear.

Did I do the right thing?  I don’t know.

I’ve seen him give up out of fear so many times before.  He needs to break this habit.

So do I.

10 ways I can help my mom

  1. Get repairs done to her house
  2. Get her a new house
  3. Get her some physical therapy
  4. Get her to see a therapist
  5. Support her so she can stop working
  6. Help her with lanudry
  7. Help her with grocery shopping
  8. Change all the burned out light bulbs
  9. Let her see my boys more often
  10. Take her to the zoo, etc., and rent her a scooter.

Things I’m grateful for 20180104

  1. Being able to hold my tongue (most of the time)
  2. Cuddling with my boys
  3. Hope for a better future
  4. A supportive mom
  5. My therapist
  6. My faith
  7. People posting resources online
  8. Nature
  9. Small towns
  10. Love

Be kind to yourself

I don’t know if I ever really liked myself.

If I did I don’t remember.

I’d tell myself I was stupid.  Ugly.  Bad.

You get the idea.

I’m not stupid.  There’s plenty of proof of that.

Beauty is subjective.  So is ugliness.  All of my significant others have told me I’m handsome.  So has my mom.  😉

We all do good things.  We all do bad things.  I’ve done plenty of bad things.  Some indefensible.  But I try to be a good man.  I think that counts for a lot.

We all have hard times.  They’re a part of life.

We all need help.  We need support.  From others, and from ourselves.

Life is tough.

Don’t make it tougher than it has to be.

“Job security” is an illusion

I found out this morning that my job is being eliminated at the end of the year.

I had no idea anything like this would happen before today.

Maybe a month ago I asked my manager about two similarly named services our company offers.  One is the service I support.  The other is a similar service.

She said that some clients are being moved from our service to the other one.  She said not to worry.  The process would take years.  I would most likely be trained to support the other service long before we stopped supporting the current one.

She believed it when she said it.  I’m sure of that.

It’s not the first time I’ve been laid off.  The last time I had no warning.

That’s the danger of being too dependent on one income.

One person can make a decision which can throw your whole future into doubt.

I know it wasn’t my manager’s decision.  The decision was made by someone above her.  Probably someone I’ve never met.  Someone who doesn’t know or care about me.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point.

Getting one full-time job doesn’t seem like the smartest option, though.

I still love my wife

It’s a weird situation.

My wife told me almost six months ago she wants a divorce.

She was thinking about it a long time before that.

We still live together.  We sleep in different rooms.

She hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  She talks about it occasionally, though.

I’m not really in a hurry.  I just wish I knew for sure what was going on.

I still think the world of her.

She has plenty of flaws.  I’m sure she knows that better than I do.

She wanted to be with me when I could barely support myself.

She was supportive of me when I was laid off and couldn’t find another job.

She worked to support our family so I could go to college.

She forgave me the first time I told her I’d been lying to her and that I was addicted to porn.

She stayed with me when I told her I wasn’t going to finish my degree.

Best of all, she’s given me two sweet, wonderful little boys.

I hate that I hurt her.  Again.

It hurts me to lose her.

Whatever happens though, I want her to be happy.

I don’t want to rush into a new relationship

Don’t worry about finding the right person.  Become the right person.

– Source Unknown

The first step to being the right person is loving yourself.

I’ve hated myself for a long as I can remember.

I’m working on loving myself now.  I feel pretty good about myself now.  I’ve got a lot of bad qualities, but there are a lot of good ones, too.  I can work on the bad ones, and the good ones can always get better.

My relationships with my boys are more important than any romantic relationships right now.  I’m a better father than I’ve been in the past, but there’s still plenty of room for improvement.

I’m not satisfied with a lot of things in my life right now.

I want to be able to go to the temple, and that’s not something I can do right now.  I want to improve my spirituality and get to the temple.

I’ve been doing phone jobs for most of my life.  I hate talking on the phone.  I ‘m burned out and I really need to do something else.

I’m not healthy.  I’m fat.  I go for walks, but not every day.  I don’t eat healthy.  I’m on an antidepressant and blood pressure meds.  I want to get off those.

I need to start reading books on a daily basis.  I want to learn and develop new skills.

I want to be my own boss.  I wants to build websites and make money from those.

I want to be able to afford to support myself, my wife and kids.  I want my mom to be able to stop working.

I don’t feel like I have to self-actualize before pursuing a romantic relationship.  I do want to get moving in the right direction and make some real progress first.

Making the changes I want will make me a different person.  Someone who would fall in love with the man I am now wouldn’t fall in love with the man I want to become.

The woman I really want to marry is someone who’d love that guy.