I want to start my own town. Is that weird? Probably.
I want to create an intentional community. A community of people with common beliefs. Common goals.
I want to live around people with the same values as me. People who will help me be better.
I want my kids to be around other kids who will influence them for good. Who won’t try to get them to smoke or drink or watch porn.
This community would start online. Then we would create it in the real world. We would buy a few square miles in a rural area. People from our online community would settle there.
Several months ago my therapist asked me what I wanted. I wasn’t really sure.
He told me to find my voice.
I wasn’t sure what that even meant. Isn’t it that sound I make when I talk? The one that sounds so horrible when someone records it and plays it back?
I’m still not sure exactly what I want. I have a vague, hazy idea. It used to be better defined.
I wanted to be with my family. To be able to spend time with them.
I wanted to move to a small town. I wanted to buy some land outside of town and build a house.
I wanted to start a few internet businesses. I wanted to work from home.
I wanted to help other people. I wanted to make a difference.
I still want those things. I never had a clear idea of how to get there.
Now it’s even less clear.
I’ve found my voice in another way. I’ve found a way to express myself.
I hope it will help me get what I want.
It was Sunday night. I’d just moved into my dorm. Classes hadn’t started yet.
I graduated from high school a few months before that.
I didn’t have any friends there. I was alone.
I went for a walk that evening. As I was walking I noticed a girl wandering around. I kept my distance.
Then she came up to me. She had a feeling she should come talk to me.
We walked and talked for a while, getting to know each other.
We went back to her dorm. She introduced me to her roommates, who I became friends with.
I started spending more time with her. I started having feelings for her.
We went to school dances together. I’d never danced with a girl who wanted to dance with me before.
Later we were alone in her living room. I was sitting in a chair. She was sitting on my lap. We were talking and our lips brushed against each other.
Most guys would have kissed her. I’m not most guys. I’d never kissed a girl. Well, not since first grade, anyway…
I burst out laughing.
Things slowly went downhill after that.
I didn’t see her at all during Christmas break.
I wrote her a long, rambling letter. In the letter I said I loved her. I slipped it in her bag before she went home for a long weekend in January.
She wrote me a short note. She said she was sorry, but she didn’t feel the same way.
I was devastated.