Missing my boys

Sometimes when I can’t be with my boys it hurts. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart.

Other times I’m fine.

I don’t know what makes the difference.

When I was younger I would dream about marriage. I wanted to get married as far back as I can remember.

Fatherhood was something I rarely gave any thought.

I figured I would have kids at some point. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

Sometimes it’s all I can think about now.

I want to spend as much time with my boys as I can.

I want them to have the best future they can.

I want to do whatever I can to make that happen.

I want to have the best relationships with them I can.

I want them to be the best men they can be.

I want them to learn from my bad choices.

To not go through what I’ve been through.

Things I’m grateful for today 20180111

  1. Not feeling sad all the time
  2. Anti-depressants
  3. My boys haven’t left yet
  4. I have another paycheck coming
  5. Severance
  6. My creativity
  7. Water
  8. Being clean
  9. Repentance
  10. Online bill pay

I’m such a mess

I took my pills this morning.

I feel so pathetic that I have to take pills to feel okay.

I hate that they keeps me from feeling some things.

On Christmas I watched Mr. Krueger’s Christmas.

I always cry at the part where he’s talking to baby Jesus.

I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Not last Christmas, though.

I wanted to.

I tried to.

But I just couldn’t.

It kept me from enjoying it as much as I usually do.

I hate this.

It makes me feel like a robot.

When I forget my pill I feel normal until the next day.

Then I make up for all the sadness I couldn’t feel before.

It sucks.

It’s embarrassing.

Music

Does the music you listen to make you feel good?

There’s nothing wrong with listening to sad music when you feel sad.  It can help you feel better.

Do you listen to sad songs all the time.  Do you feel sad most of the time?  Trying changing it up.

Say you listen to a lot of angry music.  There’s a good chance you feel angry most of the time.  You might want to try something new.

If what you listen to encourages negative behavior, it might be a good idea not to listen to it.

There’s nothing wrong with having negative emotions.  We all have them.  But if you feel that way all the time there’s a problem.

Try listening to things that make you feel happy.  Songs about fun times.  Happy times.  Love songs.  Even something spiritual.

I have a feel-good playlist on YouTube.  Feel free to listen to it.  Or you can make your own.

Try listening to happier music.

It will help you feel happier.