Gay?

In the past I’ve wondered if I was bisexual or gay.

I’m not the most masculine man.

I’m kind of effeminate.

I like cross-stitch.

I’ve sewn and done crochet.

I know I’m not gay, though, because I’m very attracted to women.

In the past I’ve accidentally downloaded gay porn.

“Phil, how did you ‘accidentally’ download gay porn?”

At the time I used LimeWire to download videos.  I had to rely on file names to tell what I was downloading.  Some of those file names were lies.

The feelings I got from watching gay porn were revulsion and nausea.  So I know I’m not bisexual.

I’m not trying to say anything negative about anyone who is gay or bisexual.

I just know that’s not who I am.

I like cute things

I always have.

That includes female humans.

It also includes small children.

Fluffy animals.

Baby animals.

Rabbits.

Hamsters.

Guinea Pigs.

Puppies.

Kittens.

It’s not “manly” to like these things.

But I do.

My daddy’s dead

I was three.

I only have a handful of memories about him.

After he died my male role models were my grandpas and Mister Rogers.

When I got older my Scout leaders became role models, too.

I wonder how I’d be different if my dad had lived.  Would I be more masculine?  Would I be a better father?

I used to worry that my sons wouldn’t be masculine enough because of me.  I don’t worry about that anymore.