Community

I want to start my own town. Is that weird? Probably.

I want to create an intentional community. A community of people with common beliefs. Common goals.

I want to live around people with the same values as me. People who will help me be better.

I want my kids to be around other kids who will influence them for good. Who won’t try to get them to smoke or drink or watch porn.

This community would start online. Then we would create it in the real world. We would buy a few square miles in a rural area. People from our online community would settle there.

Who’s in?

Missing my boys

My boys left with their mom a few hours ago.

They’re spending a few days at a National Park.

They’ll be back Saturday.

It’s not the longest they’ve been away. Far from it.

I’ve actually been looking forward to having a few days to myself.

Now that they’re gone, I just want them to come back.

How to improve my situation

I hate the way things are right now.

I hate being dependent on my mom.

I hate not being able to shower at home.

I hate not having internet at home.

I hate having to see my in-laws every day.

I hate not being able to join a singles ward.

So what do I do about it?

The most obvious thing is to figure out a way to make money. I really don’t want to get a full-time job though.

Eventually I want to make enough money as a blogger to pay the bills. I’m still not sure how to do that yet, though.

I’m thinking what I could do in the meantime is get a part-time job. I could do that in the mornings, then go somewhere and do some online work. Fiverr, Upwork, etc.

I’m thinking of renting a desk somewhere. At first I could use the money from my part-time job. Then once I start making enough money from online work I could quit my part-time job. Then I can figure out how to monetize this blog.

At first I just need to make enough to cover my rented desk and a few other things. Then eventually make enough to rent an apartment. Then I could just work from home. And have a place to shower, without going to the gym.

And I would actually have a place to spend time with my boys, without having to see my in-laws.

That would be nice.

I also need to see about getting the divorce finalized. I haven’t been pushing for it, but I can’t join a singles ward as long as I’m still technically married. I’m not in a hurry to get a girlfriend or anything, but I’d like to be able to make friends.

I think I’ll feel better after that.

My greatest blessings

Sometimes I have deep conversations with my kids, especially my ten-year-old. He says some really intelligent things. Sometimes things that make me wonder if he’s a genius.

My seven-year-old is really sweet. He always wants to hug and cuddle, and he always wants me to stay with him until he falls asleep.

There are a lot of negative things about my life right now, but my sweet boys make it worthwhile. I’m so glad I have them.

What’s new?

In some ways, not much. I still live in my mom’s basement. My divorce still isn’t final. I’m still unemployed. My still-not-yet-ex-wife still lives in her parents’ basement with our boys.

In other ways, a lot. I’ve been reading lots of books, mostly self-help and business books. I’ve been going to an addiction recovery group for pron addicts. I joined an MLM, then realized it wasn’t for me and quit. I went to a free real estate thing, which was really a promotion for a three-day seminar. I quit Facebook again, this time I think it’s permanent.

I feel like it’s time to get things moving again. I need to start making money. I need to start making friends. I need to start applying the knowledge I’ve been getting from the books I’ve been reading.

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start moving toward my dreams.

The Wall

Yesterday afternoon I took my boys to a park.  It’s not close to where they or I live.  We’ve visited it several times.

At the park’s playground is a large concrete structure.  One of the sides is a vertical wall about  six to seven feet high.  There are lots of pipes bent into loops sticking out to climb on.

I challenged my boys to climb it.  They were both nervous.  Soon my six-year-old had climbed to the top and was waving happily at me.

My nine-year-old made several attempts, never getting more than a foot or two off the ground.

My six-year-old eventually made the climb thirty times.

I asked my nine-year-old why he hadn’t made it up yet.  He was scared.  I showed him how easy it was for his brother.  There was nothing to be afraid of.  I offered him whatever help he needed.

He refused to make the climb.

He just wanted to go home and watch TV.

I told him we weren’t leaving until he climbed at least once.

After some coaxing he started to climb.

I gave him directions.

I held his feet so they wouldn’t slip.

He got scared.  He tried to climb back down.

I wouldn’t let him.

I told him he could do it.  That he was almost there.

His younger brother stood at the top, offering him help.

Eventually he made it.

He was shaking like a leaf.

On the way home I talked to him about the experience.  We discussed why it’s important to do things even though we’re afraid.  That anything worth doing is going to be scary at first.

It’s advice I needed to hear.

Did I do the right thing?  I don’t know.

I’ve seen him give up out of fear so many times before.  He needs to break this habit.

So do I.

Still here

It’s been a while since I posted.

I spent as much time as I could with my boys over the summer.

Now they’re in school.

I still spend as much time with them as I can.  I see them every day.  It’s not as much as before, though.  Obviously.

It’s a lot more than most guys in my position, though.

Changes

A couple of weeks ago we moved out of our apartment.

I’m staying at my mom’s house.  Living in the basement.

My wife and kids are living with her parents.

I’ve been spending most of my waking hours with my boys.  I miss living with them, but I’m glad I get to be with them so much.

It’s more than most separated/divorced dads get.

Missing my boys

Sometimes when I can’t be with my boys it hurts. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart.

Other times I’m fine.

I don’t know what makes the difference.

When I was younger I would dream about marriage. I wanted to get married as far back as I can remember.

Fatherhood was something I rarely gave any thought.

I figured I would have kids at some point. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

Sometimes it’s all I can think about now.

I want to spend as much time with my boys as I can.

I want them to have the best future they can.

I want to do whatever I can to make that happen.

I want to have the best relationships with them I can.

I want them to be the best men they can be.

I want them to learn from my bad choices.

To not go through what I’ve been through.

Changes

It’s been a while since my last post.

I’ve moved out of our apartment.  Into my mom’s basement.

I’ve only spent one night there.  A long night.

I’m still staying at the apartment most nights.

I got a new laptop.  The old one kept overheating.

The wi-fi connection on the new one is flaky.  I’m not sure why.

No job yet. I’m not sure what to do about that.

I ought to start a business.  I’m not sure I’m up to it.

I need to do something, though.