Launch

It took longer to “launch” me than anticipated.

It took a while for me to get my first (and last) paycheck from that phone job I didn’t want. This was on purpose.

There was a big conference in Denver at the end of July. My sponsor was putting pressure on me to go.

I didn’t want to go.

I couldn’t go without a ticket. I couldn’t get a ticket until I had “launched.” And I couldn’t “launch” until I got that paycheck.

So, rather than go in to pick it up, I waited for them to mail it.

It took even longer than I had anticipated. I didn’t get it until after the conference ended.

I met my sponsor at the coffee shop on August 2. We did some initial set up. I set up my Amway “Independent Business Owner” account, listing him as my sponsor. I ordered some samples as part of the signup process.

I set up an account with WorldWide. I signed up for their voicemail service, CommuniKate.

A week later we met again to finish setting up my Amway store and finish the signup process.

All this set me back $280.

But it was worth it.

I was finally my own boss.

Or so I thought.

KYMS :)

After the “Board Plan” there was homework.

Read another book: “Pro-Sumer Power II!”

Listen to five audio files my sponsor would send me.

Write down every question I could think of for my sponsor to answer.

Come up with a list of one-year, two-year and five-year goals.

Go to another “Board Plan.”

And most importantly, “KYMS 🙂 .” Keep Your Mouth Shut.

After “Mr. Millionaire” had finished getting the crowd motivated, he finally revealed the big secret.

AMWAY.

He was part of an organization called WorldWide Group, also known as WorldWide DreamBuilders.

WorldWide was a group of mentors who would teach people how to make lots of money. Partially by selling Amway products, but mostly by recruiting other people. Who would recruit other people. Etc.

But if you told people up front when recruiting them that this was Amway, a lot of them would never hear anything else you said to them.

Of course, it wasn’t Amway’s fault. It was just the fault of a few flaky Independent Business Owners.

I read the book.

I listened to the audios.

One audio was “Mr. Millionaire” and “Mrs. Millionaire” telling an expanded version of their story. It was mostly very motivational. One thing that I found off-putting, though, was “Mrs. Millionaire” bragging about how she had to have her closet enlarged to fit her collection of 300 pairs of shoes. Who was this woman, Imelda Marcos?

Another audio described why this business was the perfect business, partially because the things being sold were consumables. Customers would use them up and buy them over and over again.

I wrote down my questions and my goals.

I met with my sponsor again. He liked my goals. He answered my questions to my satisfaction.

We met a few more times, then had a conference call with his mentor. His mentor would also be my mentor, if he decided I was a worthy candidate.

His mentor didn’t like that I didn’t have a job. I would need some form of income to pay for business overhead.

I had promised myself I’d never take another phone job again. I ran out and got the first phone job I could.

I didn’t want to lose this opportunity.

Brain Cloud

What’s a “Brain Cloud”?

It’s a bubble which appears above someone’s head, letting you know their thoughts.

Like in a comic.

It’s also a movie reference.

In Joe Versus the Volcano, the titular character is told by a doctor that he has a “brain cloud”.  The doctor explains that a brain cloud is a fatal disease with no symptoms.  He tells Joe that he has six months to live.

Joe goes back to work.  He tells off his boss and quits.  On the way out he asks out the co-worker he’s had a crush on for years.  He goes on to have an amazing adventure.

Joe has to believe he’s dying before he gets the courage to live.

In a way, my divorce has done the same thing for me.

I know that my life needs to change.  Drastically.

And now’s the time.

What does that mean?  I don’t really know.

But I’m going to find out.

Should I stay or should I go?

My wife told me she wants a divorce.  Six months ago.

She hasn’t filed yet.  I’m sure she’s going to.

I lost my job at the end of the year.

Tensions are high at home.

Up to this point I’ve decided to stay.  I want to be with my boys as much as possible.

Sometimes things are okay at home.

Sometimes they’re unbearable.

I don’t want to do something I’ll regret.

I don’t want my boys to feel abandoned.

I don’t know how much longer I can handle the tension, though.

I’m a scared little boy

So many things I haven’t done because I was afraid.

So many things I have done because I was afraid.

I let fear rule my life.

Fear is the main reason I haven’t started any businesses yet.

Fear is why I don’t get closer to people.

Open up to them.

Express myself.

I’ve done jobs I’ve hated for most of my adult life because I was afraid to try something new.

I’m tired of being afraid.

Things I’m grateful for 20171226

  1. My family and I had a good day yesterday
  2. Recordings of my boys
  3. I got home safely last night
  4. Mr. Krueger’s Christmas
  5. My cold improving
  6. Window scrapers
  7. Patience
  8. Having a job until the end of the week
  9. Abundance
  10. Knowing that things will work out

“Job security” is an illusion

I found out this morning that my job is being eliminated at the end of the year.

I had no idea anything like this would happen before today.

Maybe a month ago I asked my manager about two similarly named services our company offers.  One is the service I support.  The other is a similar service.

She said that some clients are being moved from our service to the other one.  She said not to worry.  The process would take years.  I would most likely be trained to support the other service long before we stopped supporting the current one.

She believed it when she said it.  I’m sure of that.

It’s not the first time I’ve been laid off.  The last time I had no warning.

That’s the danger of being too dependent on one income.

One person can make a decision which can throw your whole future into doubt.

I know it wasn’t my manager’s decision.  The decision was made by someone above her.  Probably someone I’ve never met.  Someone who doesn’t know or care about me.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point.

Getting one full-time job doesn’t seem like the smartest option, though.

I still love my wife

It’s a weird situation.

My wife told me almost six months ago she wants a divorce.

She was thinking about it a long time before that.

We still live together.  We sleep in different rooms.

She hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  She talks about it occasionally, though.

I’m not really in a hurry.  I just wish I knew for sure what was going on.

I still think the world of her.

She has plenty of flaws.  I’m sure she knows that better than I do.

She wanted to be with me when I could barely support myself.

She was supportive of me when I was laid off and couldn’t find another job.

She worked to support our family so I could go to college.

She forgave me the first time I told her I’d been lying to her and that I was addicted to porn.

She stayed with me when I told her I wasn’t going to finish my degree.

Best of all, she’s given me two sweet, wonderful little boys.

I hate that I hurt her.  Again.

It hurts me to lose her.

Whatever happens though, I want her to be happy.

Worst. Girlfriend. Ever.

I’d just had my heart brokenTwice.

I was also feeling desperate.

My artist friend decided to take me around to “visit some people.”  The people he took me to meet were all girls.  We went to several apartments full of girls.

She was the only one who blatantly flirted with me.  So she was the one I liked.

My friend warned me that she was just a flirt.

That didn’t stop me from getting attached.

She was sweet at first.

After a couple of months she started to show her true colors.  By then we’d lost our virginity to each other.

She was critical.  She’d make fun of me – the way I walked, the way I talked, etc.

I didn’t have a job at first.  She said if I didn’t have a job I was worthless.  I took my first phone job because of pressure from her.

She wanted to go out to dinner and a movie every night.  I’d spend entire paychecks on dates with her.

She’d insist they weren’t “real dates” because I didn’t call her in advance to set them up.

I’d take her roses every week.  That didn’t make her nicer to me.

At one point we were engaged.  I bought her a cheap little gold ring.  It was all I could afford.  Later she got upset and threw the ring at me.

I hid things from her because I was afraid she’d be mean if she knew.

I quit one phone job because I couldn’t take it anymore.  I lied to her and told her I was still working there.  I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of her knowing I had quit.

Before I got another job her sister’s husband’s brother decided to sell his car.  My girlfriend decided I was going to buy it.  She was tired of driving me around.

I didn’t have enough money to buy it.  She decided she would lend me the money.

A few weeks after I got the car a found another job.  I finally told her I’d been lying about working at my previous job.

She was furious.

I didn’t see her for a few weeks.  Eventually she started seeing me again.

A few weeks later we went out.  I was really tired.  Neither one of us could decide whether to go to dinner or to a movie first.  Eventually she got mad and told me to just take her home.

I did.

I dropped her off.  She slammed the door as she got out.  I drove off and didn’t look back.

There was a girl at work I sat next to.  We would joke around together.  I think she might have dated me.  I think things were going in that direction.

After a couple of weeks my girlfriend begged me back.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to get back together at first.  I ended up getting back together with her because it was easy.

What a mistake!

She used to taunt me with this line from Poe’s Trigger-Happy Jack: “You can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being…”  Ironic that she would say that to me…

The abuse didn’t usually cross over into physical abuse.

One time she kept pinching my arms.  She wouldn’t stop.  A little while later a bunch of red marks showed up on my arms.  She had the nerve to ask where they came from.

I’m pretty sure she was bipolar.  She was never officially diagnosed.  Any time I even hinted that she might need some kind of help she’d get mad.

She had threatened to move out of her parent’s house multiple times, but never did.  Eventually my mom’s water heather started leaking and soaked my bedroom floor.  My girlfriend talked me into getting an apartment.

There was a neighborhood I liked.  It was close to her work.  She told me I shouldn’t move there.  She talked me into getting a cheaper apartment in a much rougher neighborhood.

Sometimes I wonder if she was trying to kill me.

Eventually she cheated on me.

Her family went on vacation to the same place every year.  She told me she always got sick and had a bad time.

We’d been together about a year and a half.  It was vacation time again.  She wasn’t going to go.  She was going to spend time with me instead.  A few days before her family left she announced she was going with them after all.

That Saturday I had a bad feeling I’d never had before.  I decided to go to her house, just to set my mind at ease.

I looked in the window.  Her family never closed the blinds.  She was sitting on front of the computer with a guy I didn’t recognize.  I found out later it was a guy from Texas she’d met in a chat room.

I guess she couldn’t find anyone closer…

She came to the door.  She tried to calm me down.  I asked her when she was going to come get her stuff from my apartment.  She said she’d let me know.

She’d broken up with me multiple times.  I guess it took me breaking up with her for it to stick.

She’d still come see me every few weeks.  One time she stopped by on the way home from work.  Eventually it became obvious she wanted more than conversation.  I thought she wanted to get back together, so I went along with it.  Afterward she told me we weren’t getting back together.

A few months later she was over to visit.  I walked her out to her car.  I went inside and looked out the window at her for a while.  She sat in her car looking back at me.  After a few minutes I looked down.  After several minutes I looked back up, and she was gone.  I went to bed that night still missing her.  The next morning I didn’t miss her any more.

I still owed her the money for the car when we broke up.  She had also bought me some things over the course of our relationship she decided I “owed” her for.  I decided to give her the money rather than argue with her about it.  It seemed like a small price to pay to have her out of my life.

Initially I gave her the checks in person when she’d come to visit.  Once I didn’t miss her any more I started mailing them to her.

I delivered the last check in person.  She’d held onto one of the keys to my car.  She’d threatened to take the car if I didn’t give her what she said I owed her.

After that I cut her off.  Moved.  Changed my phone number.  Blocked her email address.

I’m sure she’ll be mad if she ever reads this.

She’ll probably never talk to me again.

That’s probably for the best.

I hate my job

I hate talking on the phone.  I’ve been doing professionally for twelve years.

I’m an extreme introvert.  Talking to strangers on the phone all day is DRAINING.

I’m shy.  I avoid talking to strangers.

I’m incredibly awkward.  I’m no good at small talk.  Sometimes it’s hard to end conversations.

I’m sensitive.  I talk to angry people.  They take it out on me.  I take it personally.

My job doesn’t leave me energy to do what I want to do.

I’m afraid to quit.  Talking on the phone is my only real professional experience.  I hate it, but I need to pay rent, bills, etc.

I’m not sure how much longer I can take it.