Should I stay or should I go?

My wife told me she wants a divorce.  Six months ago.

She hasn’t filed yet.  I’m sure she’s going to.

I lost my job at the end of the year.

Tensions are high at home.

Up to this point I’ve decided to stay.  I want to be with my boys as much as possible.

Sometimes things are okay at home.

Sometimes they’re unbearable.

I don’t want to do something I’ll regret.

I don’t want my boys to feel abandoned.

I don’t know how much longer I can handle the tension, though.

Self-sufficient

I hate being dependent on others.

I want to buy some land.  With cash.

To build a house.  With cash.

I want it to be efficient.

I want to generate my own electricity.  Solar.  Wind.  Thorium.  Zero Point Energy.  Whatever works.

I want to catch rain and snow.  Filter it.  Use it.

To grow my own food.

I want to help other people do these things.

To be free.

Things I’m grateful for 20171227

  1. Waking up alive
  2. My family being home
  3. Scented candles
  4. Working from home
  5. Cell phones
  6. Cough drops
  7. Showers
  8. Beard oil
  9. Sunshine
  10. Headsets

Things I’m grateful for 20171218

  1. My wife
  2. My boys
  3. My mom
  4. My friends
  5. My car
  6. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
  7. Being able to go to the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert
  8. Therapy
  9. My apartment
  10. My shoes

Finding my voice

Several months ago my therapist asked me what I wanted.  I wasn’t really sure.

He told me to find my voice.

I wasn’t sure what that even meant.  Isn’t it that sound I make when I talk?  The one that sounds so horrible when someone records it and plays it back?

I’m still not sure exactly what I want.  I have a vague, hazy idea.  It used to be better defined.

I wanted to be with my family.  To be able to spend time with them.

I wanted to move to a small town.  I wanted to buy some land outside of town and build a house.

I wanted to start a few internet businesses.  I wanted to work from home.

I wanted to help other people.  I wanted to make a difference.

I still want those things.  I never had a clear idea of how to get there.

Now it’s even less clear.

I’ve found my voice in another way.  I’ve found a way to express myself.

I hope it will help me get what I want.

I was afraid to go on a mission

I was pretty sheltered as a kid.

My dad died when I was three.

My mom kept me home most of the time.  I was happy there, so I didn’t mind.

In the LDS church young men are expected to serve a full-time mission for two years.  At that time they would go at age nineteen.

I was afraid of being on my own for that long.

I’d been on my own at scout camps and events, but that was it.

I was afraid of being far from home.

I had always wanted to get married.  That seemed a lot safer, and I’d always been romantically inclined.

I had a plan.

Right after high school I would go to college for a year.  While I was there I would find someone to marry.

Never mind that I had never gone out on a date before.

Never mind that I was afraid to even talk to girls.

My plan was foolproof.

What could possibly go wrong?