Missing my boys

Sometimes when I can’t be with my boys it hurts. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart.

Other times I’m fine.

I don’t know what makes the difference.

When I was younger I would dream about marriage. I wanted to get married as far back as I can remember.

Fatherhood was something I rarely gave any thought.

I figured I would have kids at some point. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

Sometimes it’s all I can think about now.

I want to spend as much time with my boys as I can.

I want them to have the best future they can.

I want to do whatever I can to make that happen.

I want to have the best relationships with them I can.

I want them to be the best men they can be.

I want them to learn from my bad choices.

To not go through what I’ve been through.

Not what I expected

At first she was going to start living with her parents.  She’d just come back to pack up.

Then she decided to just stay there on weekends.  The boys didn’t want to change schools.

She ended up not going at all this last weekend.

I took my older son to see The Last Jedi.  My younger son was afraid it would be scary.

I don’t know the future.

I’m glad I spent time with my boys.

I know they’ll to be okay.

So will I.

 

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Things I’m grateful for 20180104

  1. Being able to hold my tongue (most of the time)
  2. Cuddling with my boys
  3. Hope for a better future
  4. A supportive mom
  5. My therapist
  6. My faith
  7. People posting resources online
  8. Nature
  9. Small towns
  10. Love

I’m more negative than I realized

I’ve always thought of myself as an optimist.

The future will be better.

That keeps me going.

When I think about myself I focus on the negative, though.

I have a lot of good qualities.  I hesitate to share those.  I feel like I’m bragging.

I don’t think I should ignore my negative aspects.  Those need work.

Maybe the trick is to focus on the changes I want to make.