I’m secretive

“People will make fun of me for the music I like.”

“I’m a disgusting porn addict.  If anyone finds out they’ll know how disgusting I am.”

“If anyone finds out I believe in conspiracies they’ll think I’m crazy.  No one will ever want to talk to me again.”

These are just a few examples of thoughts I’ve had.

I’m afraid of ridicule.

Of rejection.

Of confrontation.

So I hide the things I think people won’t like.

I’m trying do undo that now.

Forcing myself to disclose things I think people won’t like.

Maybe I will lose some friends.  I hope not.

But maybe some friendships will grow stronger.

Maybe I’ll gain some friends, too.

Things I’m grateful for today 20180106

  1. My therapist
  2. Rain
  3. Pop Tarts
  4. Feeling better than yesterday
  5. Having a place to go
  6. Bernadette Logue
  7. Friends I can ask for help
  8. Libraries with wi-fi
  9. Gyms with showers
  10. I’m beginning to love and have compassion for myself

10 ways to live well

  1. Spend lots of quality time with my boys
  2. Be as spiritual as possible
  3. Eat well
  4. Exercise regularly
  5. Make a meaningful contribution to the world
  6. Help others make a meaningful contribution to the world
  7. Spend time with people who care about me
  8. Avoid negative people
  9. Travel
  10. Get plenty of sleep

Emergency

Then I broke down the door.

She hadn’t show up to the party.  We were all waiting for her.

She’d had a terrible week.  The last few months weren’t the best, either.

No one else seemed concerned.

I asked one of her roommates for her key.  I drove to the house they were renting.

The door to her room was locked.

I tried to talk her into opening the door.  She refused.  She sounded distraught.

I thought I smelled blood.

I did what I had to.

Once I was in I saw them.  Ibuprofen tablets scattered around the room.

No blood.

I tried carrying her up the stairs.  I made it almost all the way up.  I wasn’t quite strong enough.

She got away from me.

I called my friends for help.

After what felt like an eternity they arrived.

So did the paramedics.

So did the Bishop.

The paramedics took her.

We went through her room.  We made sure there were no more pills stashed away.

We went to the Emergency Room to check on her.  She seemed much calmer and happier.

Eventually all the roommates moved out.

She moved away.

I heard she got married.  Then divorced.  Then married.

I hope she’s doing okay.

Things I’m grateful for 20171218

  1. My wife
  2. My boys
  3. My mom
  4. My friends
  5. My car
  6. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
  7. Being able to go to the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert
  8. Therapy
  9. My apartment
  10. My shoes