Missing my boys

My boys left with their mom a few hours ago.

They’re spending a few days at a National Park.

They’ll be back Saturday.

It’s not the longest they’ve been away. Far from it.

I’ve actually been looking forward to having a few days to myself.

Now that they’re gone, I just want them to come back.

Recruited

I was a mess.

I’d never been away from my boys that long before.

Last May my still-not-yet-ex-wife took my boys to California. They were gone for a week and a half.

They left on a Sunday morning.

Despite it being Sunday I went to the gym to shower. I hadn’t showered for a few days.

I steam for a while before showing. Then it’s less noticeable that I’m only there to shower.

That day a young guy walked into the steam room after me. He had a seat and started talking to me. I started thinking of excuses to leave.

He asked me if I liked to read. We started discussing self-help books.

He told me about a group of mentors he was a part of.

A few days earlier I’d watched a video called “DO NOT be a Lone Wolf.” It said to find help achieving my goals. So I’d decided to try to find a mentor.

He asked me for my phone number. I told him I never answer my phone.

Something inside said not to let him get away.

I gave him my email address.

The next day I was at Barnes and Noble. I was looking for Robert Kiyosaki’s Cashflow Quadrant. While pulling it off the shelf, I heard someone call my name.

It was the young guy from the steam room.

He hadn’t emailed me yet. I’d worried he wasn’t going to.

I thought this must be a sign.

What’s new?

In some ways, not much. I still live in my mom’s basement. My divorce still isn’t final. I’m still unemployed. My still-not-yet-ex-wife still lives in her parents’ basement with our boys.

In other ways, a lot. I’ve been reading lots of books, mostly self-help and business books. I’ve been going to an addiction recovery group for pron addicts. I joined an MLM, then realized it wasn’t for me and quit. I went to a free real estate thing, which was really a promotion for a three-day seminar. I quit Facebook again, this time I think it’s permanent.

I feel like it’s time to get things moving again. I need to start making money. I need to start making friends. I need to start applying the knowledge I’ve been getting from the books I’ve been reading.

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start moving toward my dreams.

Brain Cloud

What’s a “Brain Cloud”?

It’s a bubble which appears above someone’s head, letting you know their thoughts.

Like in a comic.

It’s also a movie reference.

In Joe Versus the Volcano, the titular character is told by a doctor that he has a “brain cloud”.  The doctor explains that a brain cloud is a fatal disease with no symptoms.  He tells Joe that he has six months to live.

Joe goes back to work.  He tells off his boss and quits.  On the way out he asks out the co-worker he’s had a crush on for years.  He goes on to have an amazing adventure.

Joe has to believe he’s dying before he gets the courage to live.

In a way, my divorce has done the same thing for me.

I know that my life needs to change.  Drastically.

And now’s the time.

What does that mean?  I don’t really know.

But I’m going to find out.

An ending

I failed.

I always wanted to be married.

I never questioned whether I was ready.

When it finally happened, I wasn’t.

I wasn’t open enough.

Honest enough.

Vulnerable enough.

Proactive enough.

Etc.

That doesn’t mean I’m a failure.  I can always try again.

I’m not sure when (or if) I want to, though.

Still here

It’s been a while since I posted.

I spent as much time as I could with my boys over the summer.

Now they’re in school.

I still spend as much time with them as I can.  I see them every day.  It’s not as much as before, though.  Obviously.

It’s a lot more than most guys in my position, though.

Changes

A couple of weeks ago we moved out of our apartment.

I’m staying at my mom’s house.  Living in the basement.

My wife and kids are living with her parents.

I’ve been spending most of my waking hours with my boys.  I miss living with them, but I’m glad I get to be with them so much.

It’s more than most separated/divorced dads get.

Missing my boys

Sometimes when I can’t be with my boys it hurts. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart.

Other times I’m fine.

I don’t know what makes the difference.

When I was younger I would dream about marriage. I wanted to get married as far back as I can remember.

Fatherhood was something I rarely gave any thought.

I figured I would have kids at some point. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

Sometimes it’s all I can think about now.

I want to spend as much time with my boys as I can.

I want them to have the best future they can.

I want to do whatever I can to make that happen.

I want to have the best relationships with them I can.

I want them to be the best men they can be.

I want them to learn from my bad choices.

To not go through what I’ve been through.

Changes

It’s been a while since my last post.

I’ve moved out of our apartment.  Into my mom’s basement.

I’ve only spent one night there.  A long night.

I’m still staying at the apartment most nights.

I got a new laptop.  The old one kept overheating.

The wi-fi connection on the new one is flaky.  I’m not sure why.

No job yet. I’m not sure what to do about that.

I ought to start a business.  I’m not sure I’m up to it.

I need to do something, though.

Moving

I hate moving.

I started moving stuff as soon as I could.  I didn’t want to be scrambling at the last minute.

Moving my things hasn’t affected my emotions.

A few days ago my wife had my kids start packing, though.

That got to me.

My boys they were oblivious. “Dad, can you tape this box for me?”

It made it real for me.

They’re leaving.