Sometimes when I can’t be with my boys it hurts. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart.
Other times I’m fine.
I don’t know what makes the difference.
When I was younger I would dream about marriage. I wanted to get married as far back as I can remember.
Fatherhood was something I rarely gave any thought.
I figured I would have kids at some point. I didn’t think about it beyond that.
Sometimes it’s all I can think about now.
I want to spend as much time with my boys as I can.
I want them to have the best future they can.
I want to do whatever I can to make that happen.
I want to have the best relationships with them I can.
I want them to be the best men they can be.
I want them to learn from my bad choices.
To not go through what I’ve been through.
It’s been a while since my last post.
I’ve moved out of our apartment. Into my mom’s basement.
I’ve only spent one night there. A long night.
I’m still staying at the apartment most nights.
I got a new laptop. The old one kept overheating.
The wi-fi connection on the new one is flaky. I’m not sure why.
No job yet. I’m not sure what to do about that.
I ought to start a business. I’m not sure I’m up to it.
I need to do something, though.
I hate moving.
I started moving stuff as soon as I could. I didn’t want to be scrambling at the last minute.
Moving my things hasn’t affected my emotions.
A few days ago my wife had my kids start packing, though.
That got to me.
My boys they were oblivious. “Dad, can you tape this box for me?”
It made it real for me.
…if you understood that reference, I love you.
I took my first carload of stuff to my mom’s house.
After clearing away A LOT of cobwebs, it doesn’t seem too bad.
She has a working furnace and water heater.
There’s plenty of space to work with.
There’s also PLENTY of work to do.
But I think it can be made livable.
I think of myself as a humble person.
I don’t go around talking about how great I am.
I don’t even think it.
There is one area I need help with:
I don’t ask for help.
I’ll do anything I can think of to avoid it.
When I move I do as much on my own as I can.
I’ll visit forums looking for answers to questions. If no one has asked the question, I’ll move on. I don’t want to ask it myself.
Look at all kinds of do-it-yourself books, websites etc. If a task requires a second person, I’ll lose interest.
I wonder what refusing to ask has cost me.
Separation from my babies?
Moving into a dungeon?
How much worse will things have to get?
At first she was going to start living with her parents. She’d just come back to pack up.
Then she decided to just stay there on weekends. The boys didn’t want to change schools.
She ended up not going at all this last weekend.
I took my older son to see The Last Jedi. My younger son was afraid it would be scary.
I don’t know the future.
I’m glad I spent time with my boys.
I know they’ll to be okay.
So will I.
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Sometimes I’m thick-headed.
Sometimes I have to be taught a lesson multiple times.
Those lessons can be painful.
Lessons like, “Get to know someone really well before deciding to marry them.”
Or, “Don’t have sex with someone you’re not married to.”
I think I’ve finally learned those lessons now.
I hope so. They’ve come at a high price.
My wife told me she wants a divorce. Six months ago.
She hasn’t filed yet. I’m sure she’s going to.
I lost my job at the end of the year.
Tensions are high at home.
Up to this point I’ve decided to stay. I want to be with my boys as much as possible.
Sometimes things are okay at home.
Sometimes they’re unbearable.
I don’t want to do something I’ll regret.
I don’t want my boys to feel abandoned.
I don’t know how much longer I can handle the tension, though.
It’s a weird situation.
My wife told me almost six months ago she wants a divorce.
She was thinking about it a long time before that.
We still live together. We sleep in different rooms.
She hasn’t filed for divorce yet. She talks about it occasionally, though.
I’m not really in a hurry. I just wish I knew for sure what was going on.
I still think the world of her.
She has plenty of flaws. I’m sure she knows that better than I do.
She wanted to be with me when I could barely support myself.
She was supportive of me when I was laid off and couldn’t find another job.
She worked to support our family so I could go to college.
She forgave me the first time I told her I’d been lying to her and that I was addicted to porn.
She stayed with me when I told her I wasn’t going to finish my degree.
Best of all, she’s given me two sweet, wonderful little boys.
I hate that I hurt her. Again.
It hurts me to lose her.
Whatever happens though, I want her to be happy.
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
– J.K. Rowling
I haven’t hit bottom. Not yet.
To be honest, I’m kind of looking forward to it.
I’m not looking forward to being divorced from my wife.
I’m not looking forward to living in my mom’s basement. (Sigh…)
I’m especially not looking forward to being separated from my boys
I’m looking forward to making progress. To getting myself on the right path. To really working toward achieving greatness. To being a good example for my boys.
With the help of a loving Heavenly Father I can do it.
With his help I can do anything.