It’s been a while since my last post.

I’ve moved out of our apartment.  Into my mom’s basement.

I’ve only spent one night there.  A long night.

I’m still staying at the apartment most nights.

I got a new laptop.  The old one kept overheating.

The wi-fi connection on the new one is flaky.  I’m not sure why.

No job yet. I’m not sure what to do about that.

I ought to start a business.  I’m not sure I’m up to it.

I need to do something, though.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad.

Ran out of my anti-depressants last Friday.

The health insurance I was on ended December 31st.

Without insurance a 30 day supply is $128.

I don’t have that kind of money just lying around.

I wanted to quit at some point.  This seems like as good a time as any.

They biggest thing I’ve noticed is the dizziness.  I think that’s getting better.

Have I felt sad more often?  Yes.

I don’t feel sad all the time.

I haven’t thought about killing myself.

I feel more irritable than I did before I started taking them last summer.  Hopefully that will pass.

I’m tired of feeling like a robot.  Maybe other pharmaceuticals wouldn’t cause that.

I also worry about side effects.

I’ve read several articles stating that anti-depressants can cause BRAIN DAMAGE.

I’ve read other articles which say many times depression is caused by a lack of proper nutrition.

I’m going to keep taking my blood pressure pills for now.  I’m sure I won’t need those either once I start eating better and losing weight.

Ultimately, I don’t trust pharmaceuticals.

Or the glorified drug dealers pushing them.

“Side effects may include increased bleeding, loss of libido, inability to think clearly, dementia, and DEATH.  In a clinical trial a significant percentage of participants died.  Ask your doctor if ***** is right for you.”

10 websites I can build to help others

  1. Homeschool forum
  2. Site to report child abuse/spouse abuse anonymously
  3. Sites for local businesses
  4. Local business directory
  5. Forum for people with mental health issues
  6. Forum for people interested in natural medicine/alternative medicine
  7. Directory of accessible websites for the blind
  8. Gardening site/how to grow your own food
  9. Site to help people become more conscious
  10. Site to help others make money online


I have a love/hate relationship with my antidepressant.

I forgot to take it yesterday.

Today I feel really dizzy.  Confused.  Irritable.

When I take them I don’t feel suicidal.  At all.  Ever.

I can’t put a price on that.

Before I’d have a fight with my wife.  I’d leave.  I’d think about ways to kill myself.  I’d cry a lot.

I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

I hate that it takes a drug not to feel that way.

I hate that my doctor will only give me a three-month supply.

I hate that he demands that I make another office visit before he’ll give me more.

That doesn’t feel like freedom.

It feels like slavery.

I’ve thought about just quitting.

I tried it once.  I went three days without it.

I was okay for a while.  The last day I had a meltdown.

I was on a lower dose at the time.

I’ve thought about gradually reducing my dose.  That’s what I’ll do when I decide to stop.

I think I need to wait until after my wife moves out with the boys.

I might even need a higher dose to get through that.

I hate this.


Last Thursday I blew up at my wife.

She was filing for divorce online and asking me questions.

I got irritated and eventually exploded.  I said a lot of hurtful things that I regret.

At one point I thought about killing myself.  I hadn’t thought about that for a long time.

Eventually I calmed down and apologized.

Later I realized I wasn’t as okay with the divorce as I had thought.

Part of me was still hoping she’d change her mind.


I try to be optimistic.  I tell myself the future can be better than the present.

Sometimes it’s hard though.

Yesterday morning I was watching old family videos.

Wife and kids happy.

Now it’s coming to an end.  That makes me feel depressed.

I wish I could go back and fix it.  But I can’t.

I used to think about killing myself a lot.  I’d have a fight with my wife and think “I can’t take this anymore!”

I rarely have those thoughts anymore.  They still show up occasionally, though.

Therapy helps.  Anti-depressants help.  Thinking about how I can improve helps.

I still get depressed.

I don’t want to get divorced.  It doesn’t seem like I have a choice, though.

But I can’t give up on life.

I don’t want to rush into a new relationship

Don’t worry about finding the right person.  Become the right person.

– Source Unknown

The first step to being the right person is loving yourself.

I’ve hated myself for a long as I can remember.

I’m working on loving myself now.  I feel pretty good about myself now.  I’ve got a lot of bad qualities, but there are a lot of good ones, too.  I can work on the bad ones, and the good ones can always get better.

My relationships with my boys are more important than any romantic relationships right now.  I’m a better father than I’ve been in the past, but there’s still plenty of room for improvement.

I’m not satisfied with a lot of things in my life right now.

I want to be able to go to the temple, and that’s not something I can do right now.  I want to improve my spirituality and get to the temple.

I’ve been doing phone jobs for most of my life.  I hate talking on the phone.  I ‘m burned out and I really need to do something else.

I’m not healthy.  I’m fat.  I go for walks, but not every day.  I don’t eat healthy.  I’m on an antidepressant and blood pressure meds.  I want to get off those.

I need to start reading books on a daily basis.  I want to learn and develop new skills.

I want to be my own boss.  I wants to build websites and make money from those.

I want to be able to afford to support myself, my wife and kids.  I want my mom to be able to stop working.

I don’t feel like I have to self-actualize before pursuing a romantic relationship.  I do want to get moving in the right direction and make some real progress first.

Making the changes I want will make me a different person.  Someone who would fall in love with the man I am now wouldn’t fall in love with the man I want to become.

The woman I really want to marry is someone who’d love that guy.

I’m fat


That’s what the scale said the last time I was at the doctor’s office.

I haven’t always been fat. I was chubby as a kid, but nothing like this.

When I graduated from high school I was 6’0″ and 180 lbs.

When I went to college I started walking a lot. One time I walked with a friend to the next town, which was six miles away, and halfway back (we got a ride from some kind strangers).

When I was dating my first serious girlfriend I started drinking Mountain Dew. That’s also when I got my first car. Then she left me for someone else and I got depressed. I lived alone and didn’t have any friends. That’s when I started putting on weight.

I’m not sure if I lost weight the first time I moved back in with my mom. I know I did the second time. I went from almost 300 lbs down to about 220 lbs. Then I started gaining again.

I was 275 by the time I moved back out again, and 350 by the time I met my wife. At one point I weighed 422 or more, now it’s down to 400.

I’ve tried a few things to lose weight. I’ve tried eating salads every day. I’ve tried quitting soda and just drinking water. I’ve tried going for walks. But I’m not consistent. I have trouble sticking with the changes I make. I give up too easily.