There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad.

Ran out of my anti-depressants last Friday.

The health insurance I was on ended December 31st.

Without insurance a 30 day supply is $128.

I don’t have that kind of money just lying around.

I wanted to quit at some point.  This seems like as good a time as any.

They biggest thing I’ve noticed is the dizziness.  I think that’s getting better.

Have I felt sad more often?  Yes.

I don’t feel sad all the time.

I haven’t thought about killing myself.

I feel more irritable than I did before I started taking them last summer.  Hopefully that will pass.

I’m tired of feeling like a robot.  Maybe other pharmaceuticals wouldn’t cause that.

I also worry about side effects.

I’ve read several articles stating that anti-depressants can cause BRAIN DAMAGE.

I’ve read other articles which say many times depression is caused by a lack of proper nutrition.

I’m going to keep taking my blood pressure pills for now.  I’m sure I won’t need those either once I start eating better and losing weight.

Ultimately, I don’t trust pharmaceuticals.

Or the glorified drug dealers pushing them.

“Side effects may include increased bleeding, loss of libido, inability to think clearly, dementia, and DEATH.  In a clinical trial a significant percentage of participants died.  Ask your doctor if ***** is right for you.”

She was engaged

I had just been broken up with.

Kinda.

I was watching a movie with some girls.  I started crying.  One girl put her arm around me.

Later she and I talked about my heartbreak. Then we talked about hers.

She was engaged.  Her fiancé’s mom had died.  He hadn’t talked to her since.

He lived kind of far away.  She didn’t get to see him much.

We started spending a lot of time together.  I started to have feelings for her.  I didn’t do anything about them.  I kept telling myself we were just friends.  We were going through hard times together.

We went to a school dance together.  Just as friends.

Later I found out she had broken up with her fiancé.

I saw her in the computer lab the next day.  She started walking to the cafeteria.  I followed her for a little bit.  I was going to see if she wanted to talk.  Then I thought maybe she just wanted to be alone.  I went somewhere else.

Later I emailed her.  I asked her if she wanted to go to the dance.  She had already been asked.

She had wanted to talk to someone that day.  Another guy was there for her.  They started dating.  That could have been me.

The next term she didn’t go to school.  She went to Texas to help her twin sister with her wedding.  While she was gone her boyfriend cheated on her.  By then I had a girlfriend.

My girlfriend insisted that I get a haircut.  I had long hair at the time.  My friend who was cheated on was there.  She said if I had gotten a haircut earlier she might have broken up with her fiancé earlier.

I should have gotten a haircut sooner.

Two reasons to live

A lot of people know that Ernest Hemingway killed himself.

Not as many people know that his father also killed himself.

So did his son.

Many times the children of people who commit suicide go on to commit suicide themselves.  That’s not what I want for my boys.

I love this comic by LunarBaboon.

I know my kids need me.

I grew up without a dad.  I don’t want my kids to have to go through that.

I want to see them grow up and have kids of their own.

I want to give them the best life I can.

I can’t do that if I’m dead.

My daddy’s dead

I was three.

I only have a handful of memories about him.

After he died my male role models were my grandpas and Mister Rogers.

When I got older my Scout leaders became role models, too.

I wonder how I’d be different if my dad had lived.  Would I be more masculine?  Would I be a better father?

I used to worry that my sons wouldn’t be masculine enough because of me.  I don’t worry about that anymore.