I want to have more kids

My wife doesn’t.  At least that’s what she says.

Since she’s divorcing me it doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to get married again right away.  I want to become the man I know I have the potential to be.  The wife I find now may not be compatible with the man I want to become.

I love babies.  Whenever I see babies or toddlers it makes me want another.

It’s not because I don’t love my boys.

They’ve been asking my wife for years when she’s going to give them a little sister.

A few weeks ago they told me Mommy didn’t want to have another baby.  I reminded them about the divorce.  They seemed sad.

I told them I was probably going to get remarried, and when that happened I might have another baby.  They were happy about that.

When my oldest was born I wasn’t excited.  I’m ashamed of that.

He showed me how wonderful being a dad is.  He made me want to have another.  Now I have two wonderful little boys.

They make me want to have even more kids.

My daddy’s dead

I was three.

I only have a handful of memories about him.

After he died my male role models were my grandpas and Mister Rogers.

When I got older my Scout leaders became role models, too.

I wonder how I’d be different if my dad had lived.  Would I be more masculine?  Would I be a better father?

I used to worry that my sons wouldn’t be masculine enough because of me.  I don’t worry about that anymore.

I’m a dad

I wasn’t ready to be a dad.

When she showed me the pregnancy test I knew it didn’t matter. I was going to be a dad, ready or not.

I’d wanted to be married my whole life. I’d rush into relationships because I wanted to be married so bad. I’d fantasize about what marriage would be like.

I didn’t fantasize about being a father, though. I imagined it would happen at some point. I didn’t really think about it beyond that.

My dad died when I was three. I only have a handful of memories about him, all distorted by time.

I didn’t know how to be a dad.  And at first I definitely didn’t enjoy it.

I’m still not sure I know how to be a dad.  I’m easily irritated.  I get impatient.  Sometimes I make my kids cry.

I’m learning, though.  I spend time with my kids without being asked.  I spend time with them when they ask, even if I had other plans.  I even enjoy it most of the time.

There are still things I don’t like.  Telling them no.  Disciplining them.  Making them do things they don’t want to.  But I want to do what’s best for them, even if it’s not enjoyable.

Am I the best dad in the world.  Of course not.

But I’m getting there.