Self-Compassion

The Buddhist concept of compassion includes compassion for yourself.

How can someone have compassion for others if they don’t have compassion for themselves?

You’re on a plane.  The oxygen masks drop.

Put yours on first.

This is vital.

Even if you have your children with you.  Your beloved.  Your sick grandmother.

If you pass out while trying to put their oxygen mask on them, who have you helped?

Make sure your needs are being met. Don’t feel guilty about caring for yourself.  How can you help others if you have no energy?

How can you give something you don’t have?

Last week my older son had a bad day at school.

He got into a fight at recess.

Then he kicked a soccer ball.  It hit a teacher in the back.  The teacher yelled at him.

He started crying.

The teacher apologized.

My son said he hated himself.

It spiraled down from there.

He’s such a sweet boy.

If anyone should have self-compassion, it’s him.

I’m such a mess

I took my pills this morning.

I feel so pathetic that I have to take pills to feel okay.

I hate that they keeps me from feeling some things.

On Christmas I watched Mr. Krueger’s Christmas.

I always cry at the part where he’s talking to baby Jesus.

I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Not last Christmas, though.

I wanted to.

I tried to.

But I just couldn’t.

It kept me from enjoying it as much as I usually do.

I hate this.

It makes me feel like a robot.

When I forget my pill I feel normal until the next day.

Then I make up for all the sadness I couldn’t feel before.

It sucks.

It’s embarrassing.

Antidepressant

I have a love/hate relationship with my antidepressant.

I forgot to take it yesterday.

Today I feel really dizzy.  Confused.  Irritable.

When I take them I don’t feel suicidal.  At all.  Ever.

I can’t put a price on that.

Before I’d have a fight with my wife.  I’d leave.  I’d think about ways to kill myself.  I’d cry a lot.

I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

I hate that it takes a drug not to feel that way.

I hate that my doctor will only give me a three-month supply.

I hate that he demands that I make another office visit before he’ll give me more.

That doesn’t feel like freedom.

It feels like slavery.

I’ve thought about just quitting.

I tried it once.  I went three days without it.

I was okay for a while.  The last day I had a meltdown.

I was on a lower dose at the time.

I’ve thought about gradually reducing my dose.  That’s what I’ll do when I decide to stop.

I think I need to wait until after my wife moves out with the boys.

I might even need a higher dose to get through that.

I hate this.