- Windshield wipers
- Fresh air
How many of us are living our best possible life?
I know I’m not.
I’m guessing you’re not, either.
And yet, most of us don’t want to change what we’re doing.
We’re lazy. Unmotivated.
But if we don’t change anything, how are things going to improve?
You don’t have to change everything at once.
The changes you make don’t have to be permanent.
You don’t have to wait for a new year. You can start today.
Find one thing that bothers you about your life. How could it be better?
Change one thing about it to make it better. Stick with the change for a month.
I’m trying to blog every day. This is day eight.
At the end of the month, see if the change was good for you. If so, it should be pretty easy to keep. If not, try something else.
Don’t try to change a lot of things all at once. It’s overwhelming. You won’t be able to stick with it.
Some people can manage a handful of changes at once. I wouldn’t recommend starting that way, though. If one seems easy, maybe try two.
One small change at a time is very manageable.
Eventually you’ll get the results you want.
People are afraid to speak up.
To let others know what they think. What they believe.
Afraid to let others see who they really are.
They don’t feel good enough.
That was me. I was afraid. I thought I’d lose all my friends. No one would ever want to talk to me again.
But I knew something had to change.
I spoke up (so to speak).
I’m a very flawed human being.
Everyone else is flawed, too.
Tell your story.
Let people see the real you.
That’s how people connect. At least, I think that’s how it works.
I’m not an expert. I’m just a guy with a blog.
But it’s helped me.
I’ve always thought of myself as an optimist.
The future will be better.
That keeps me going.
When I think about myself I focus on the negative, though.
I have a lot of good qualities. I hesitate to share those. I feel like I’m bragging.
I don’t think I should ignore my negative aspects. Those need work.
Maybe the trick is to focus on the changes I want to make.
I was also feeling desperate.
My artist friend decided to take me around to “visit some people.” The people he took me to meet were all girls. We went to several apartments full of girls.
She was the only one who blatantly flirted with me. So she was the one I liked.
My friend warned me that she was just a flirt.
That didn’t stop me from getting attached.
She was sweet at first.
After a couple of months she started to show her true colors. By then we’d lost our virginity to each other.
She was critical. She’d make fun of me – the way I walked, the way I talked, etc.
I didn’t have a job at first. She said if I didn’t have a job I was worthless. I took my first phone job because of pressure from her.
She wanted to go out to dinner and a movie every night. I’d spend entire paychecks on dates with her.
She’d insist they weren’t “real dates” because I didn’t call her in advance to set them up.
I’d take her roses every week. That didn’t make her nicer to me.
At one point we were engaged. I bought her a cheap little gold ring. It was all I could afford. Later she got upset and threw the ring at me.
I hid things from her because I was afraid she’d be mean if she knew.
I quit one phone job because I couldn’t take it anymore. I lied to her and told her I was still working there. I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of her knowing I had quit.
Before I got another job her sister’s husband’s brother decided to sell his car. My girlfriend decided I was going to buy it. She was tired of driving me around.
I didn’t have enough money to buy it. She decided she would lend me the money.
A few weeks after I got the car a found another job. I finally told her I’d been lying about working at my previous job.
She was furious.
I didn’t see her for a few weeks. Eventually she started seeing me again.
A few weeks later we went out. I was really tired. Neither one of us could decide whether to go to dinner or to a movie first. Eventually she got mad and told me to just take her home.
I dropped her off. She slammed the door as she got out. I drove off and didn’t look back.
There was a girl at work I sat next to. We would joke around together. I think she might have dated me. I think things were going in that direction.
After a couple of weeks my girlfriend begged me back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get back together at first. I ended up getting back together with her because it was easy.
What a mistake!
She used to taunt me with this line from Poe’s Trigger-Happy Jack: “You can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being…” Ironic that she would say that to me…
The abuse didn’t usually cross over into physical abuse.
One time she kept pinching my arms. She wouldn’t stop. A little while later a bunch of red marks showed up on my arms. She had the nerve to ask where they came from.
I’m pretty sure she was bipolar. She was never officially diagnosed. Any time I even hinted that she might need some kind of help she’d get mad.
She had threatened to move out of her parent’s house multiple times, but never did. Eventually my mom’s water heather started leaking and soaked my bedroom floor. My girlfriend talked me into getting an apartment.
There was a neighborhood I liked. It was close to her work. She told me I shouldn’t move there. She talked me into getting a cheaper apartment in a much rougher neighborhood.
Sometimes I wonder if she was trying to kill me.
Eventually she cheated on me.
Her family went on vacation to the same place every year. She told me she always got sick and had a bad time.
We’d been together about a year and a half. It was vacation time again. She wasn’t going to go. She was going to spend time with me instead. A few days before her family left she announced she was going with them after all.
That Saturday I had a bad feeling I’d never had before. I decided to go to her house, just to set my mind at ease.
I looked in the window. Her family never closed the blinds. She was sitting on front of the computer with a guy I didn’t recognize. I found out later it was a guy from Texas she’d met in a chat room.
I guess she couldn’t find anyone closer…
She came to the door. She tried to calm me down. I asked her when she was going to come get her stuff from my apartment. She said she’d let me know.
She’d broken up with me multiple times. I guess it took me breaking up with her for it to stick.
She’d still come see me every few weeks. One time she stopped by on the way home from work. Eventually it became obvious she wanted more than conversation. I thought she wanted to get back together, so I went along with it. Afterward she told me we weren’t getting back together.
A few months later she was over to visit. I walked her out to her car. I went inside and looked out the window at her for a while. She sat in her car looking back at me. After a few minutes I looked down. After several minutes I looked back up, and she was gone. I went to bed that night still missing her. The next morning I didn’t miss her any more.
I still owed her the money for the car when we broke up. She had also bought me some things over the course of our relationship she decided I “owed” her for. I decided to give her the money rather than argue with her about it. It seemed like a small price to pay to have her out of my life.
Initially I gave her the checks in person when she’d come to visit. Once I didn’t miss her any more I started mailing them to her.
I delivered the last check in person. She’d held onto one of the keys to my car. She’d threatened to take the car if I didn’t give her what she said I owed her.
After that I cut her off. Moved. Changed my phone number. Blocked her email address.
I’m sure she’ll be mad if she ever reads this.
She’ll probably never talk to me again.
That’s probably for the best.
My wife told me at the end of June that she wanted to separate.
This wasn’t the first time she’d said that. This time was different, though. This time she wouldn’t be talked out of it.
She felt like she couldn’t trust me anymore.
I’d lied to her about watching porn. That was worse than the fact that I’d been watching porn.
Six months earlier I’d decided to come clean to her. We’d been going through marriage counseling, and I started feeling a lot closer to her.
I knew my lies were getting in the way of us getting closer.
One night she confessed something to me. So I confessed to her that I’d been lying.
At first she seemed ok. By the time I came home from work the next day I could tell she wasn’t ok.
She went into a deep depression for several months. I was worried, but I didn’t know what I could do. Most of the things I tried to do were mistakes.
We went through cycles. She’d let me know she wasn’t happy with me. I’d work hard at being the best husband ever. After a while I’d slack off. I couldn’t stick with it. She’d get upset again.
She was gentle when she told me. More gentle than I expected. I cried. She comforted me.
I told her I was really going to change this time. I meant it when I said it.
Eventually I got used to the idea. She was going to divorce me no matter what I did.
I decided once we were divorced I’d change. I’d become the best version of myself, and hope she’d like the new me. Then maybe she’d want me back.
Later it sunk in that she was probably never going to take me back.
Now I’ve accepted it. I’m ready to move on with my life.