Missing my boys

Sometimes when I can’t be with my boys it hurts. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart.

Other times I’m fine.

I don’t know what makes the difference.

When I was younger I would dream about marriage. I wanted to get married as far back as I can remember.

Fatherhood was something I rarely gave any thought.

I figured I would have kids at some point. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

Sometimes it’s all I can think about now.

I want to spend as much time with my boys as I can.

I want them to have the best future they can.

I want to do whatever I can to make that happen.

I want to have the best relationships with them I can.

I want them to be the best men they can be.

I want them to learn from my bad choices.

To not go through what I’ve been through.

I need to be humbled?

I think of myself as a humble person.

I don’t go around talking about how great I am.

I don’t even think it.

There is one area I need help with:

I don’t ask for help.

I’ll do anything I can think of to avoid it.

When I move I do as much on my own as I can.

I’ll visit forums looking for answers to questions.  If no one has asked the question, I’ll move on.  I don’t want to ask it myself.

Look at all kinds of do-it-yourself books, websites etc.  If a task requires a second person, I’ll lose interest.

I wonder what refusing to ask has cost me.

Divorce?

Separation from my babies?

Moving into a dungeon?

How much worse will things have to get?

Help.

Not what I expected

At first she was going to start living with her parents.  She’d just come back to pack up.

Then she decided to just stay there on weekends.  The boys didn’t want to change schools.

She ended up not going at all this last weekend.

I took my older son to see The Last Jedi.  My younger son was afraid it would be scary.

I don’t know the future.

I’m glad I spent time with my boys.

I know they’ll to be okay.

So will I.

 

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

10 ways I can help my mom

  1. Get repairs done to her house
  2. Get her a new house
  3. Get her some physical therapy
  4. Get her to see a therapist
  5. Support her so she can stop working
  6. Help her with lanudry
  7. Help her with grocery shopping
  8. Change all the burned out light bulbs
  9. Let her see my boys more often
  10. Take her to the zoo, etc., and rent her a scooter.

10 ways I can teach my boys

  1. Directly
  2. Taking them to museums
  3. Taking them to Church
  4. Working
  5. Not losing my temper
  6. Showing them alternatives
  7. Helping them think outside the box
  8. Taking them out into nature
  9. Meditating with them
  10. Helping them set goals

Things I’m grateful for today 20180111

  1. Not feeling sad all the time
  2. Anti-depressants
  3. My boys haven’t left yet
  4. I have another paycheck coming
  5. Severance
  6. My creativity
  7. Water
  8. Being clean
  9. Repentance
  10. Online bill pay

Should I stay or should I go?

My wife told me she wants a divorce.  Six months ago.

She hasn’t filed yet.  I’m sure she’s going to.

I lost my job at the end of the year.

Tensions are high at home.

Up to this point I’ve decided to stay.  I want to be with my boys as much as possible.

Sometimes things are okay at home.

Sometimes they’re unbearable.

I don’t want to do something I’ll regret.

I don’t want my boys to feel abandoned.

I don’t know how much longer I can handle the tension, though.

Things I’m grateful for 20180104

  1. Being able to hold my tongue (most of the time)
  2. Cuddling with my boys
  3. Hope for a better future
  4. A supportive mom
  5. My therapist
  6. My faith
  7. People posting resources online
  8. Nature
  9. Small towns
  10. Love

10 ways to live well

  1. Spend lots of quality time with my boys
  2. Be as spiritual as possible
  3. Eat well
  4. Exercise regularly
  5. Make a meaningful contribution to the world
  6. Help others make a meaningful contribution to the world
  7. Spend time with people who care about me
  8. Avoid negative people
  9. Travel
  10. Get plenty of sleep