I think of myself as a humble person.
I don’t go around talking about how great I am.
I don’t even think it.
There is one area I need help with:
I don’t ask for help.
I’ll do anything I can think of to avoid it.
When I move I do as much on my own as I can.
I’ll visit forums looking for answers to questions. If no one has asked the question, I’ll move on. I don’t want to ask it myself.
Look at all kinds of do-it-yourself books, websites etc. If a task requires a second person, I’ll lose interest.
I wonder what refusing to ask has cost me.
Separation from my babies?
Moving into a dungeon?
How much worse will things have to get?
I always have.
That includes female humans.
It also includes small children.
It’s not “manly” to like these things.
But I do.
My five-year-old sleeps in my wife’s bed. He has for a few months now.
He goes to sleep a lot earlier than she does.
He always wants someone to be with him.
My wife is usually busy with homework.
I don’t mind laying down with him. Most nights that’s what I do.
The other night I was laying down with him. I was rubbing his hair.
My mind kept wandering. I reminded myself that my time with my boys is short. I tried to stay focused on being with him.
I realized there wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to be right then.
What better place could there be?
My wife doesn’t. At least that’s what she says.
Since she’s divorcing me it doesn’t matter.
I don’t want to get married again right away. I want to become the man I know I have the potential to be. The wife I find now may not be compatible with the man I want to become.
I love babies. Whenever I see babies or toddlers it makes me want another.
It’s not because I don’t love my boys.
They’ve been asking my wife for years when she’s going to give them a little sister.
A few weeks ago they told me Mommy didn’t want to have another baby. I reminded them about the divorce. They seemed sad.
I told them I was probably going to get remarried, and when that happened I might have another baby. They were happy about that.
When my oldest was born I wasn’t excited. I’m ashamed of that.
He showed me how wonderful being a dad is. He made me want to have another. Now I have two wonderful little boys.
They make me want to have even more kids.