10 ways I can teach my boys

  1. Directly
  2. Taking them to museums
  3. Taking them to Church
  4. Working
  5. Not losing my temper
  6. Showing them alternatives
  7. Helping them think outside the box
  8. Taking them out into nature
  9. Meditating with them
  10. Helping them set goals

Things I’m grateful for today 20180111

  1. Not feeling sad all the time
  2. Anti-depressants
  3. My boys haven’t left yet
  4. I have another paycheck coming
  5. Severance
  6. My creativity
  7. Water
  8. Being clean
  9. Repentance
  10. Online bill pay

I’m such a mess

I took my pills this morning.

I feel so pathetic that I have to take pills to feel okay.

I hate that they keeps me from feeling some things.

On Christmas I watched Mr. Krueger’s Christmas.

I always cry at the part where he’s talking to baby Jesus.

I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Not last Christmas, though.

I wanted to.

I tried to.

But I just couldn’t.

It kept me from enjoying it as much as I usually do.

I hate this.

It makes me feel like a robot.

When I forget my pill I feel normal until the next day.

Then I make up for all the sadness I couldn’t feel before.

It sucks.

It’s embarrassing.

Not who you needed

I don’t think I’m who you wanted me to be.

I’m not what you needed.

I wasn’t good about helping you.

I’m not good about cleaning.

I’m a slob.

I didn’t cook.

I didn’t do all the things.

I did some things for you.

I just wasn’t good about doing the things you really wanted.

I really tried sometimes.

I just couldn’t keep it up.

I don’t know why.

I wanted to be your Prince Charming.  The one who’d never hurt you.  The one who’d rescue you from the people who hurt you.

But I was one of those people.

I lied to you.

I let you down.

I wasn’t who you wanted me to be.

I wasn’t who I wanted me to be.

I’m trying to become someone better.

Too late.

I’m sorry.

It’s so hard.

It takes so long.

I know it’s too long for you.

I hope in a few years I’ll be the dad our sweet boys deserve.

I hope you can be happy.  You deserve it.

I don’t mean to act like I don’t care.

These stupid pills are keeping me alive long enough to change.

But they also keep me from showing how sorry I am.

I’m able to write this now because I didn’t take them yesterday.

I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I hope you can find someone who’s everything you want.

I’m not okay

I found out yesterday that my wife is planning on moving out this weekend.

She says she can’t take it anymore.

I found out yesterday.

Apparently my boys’ classmates found out before I did.

She’s taking my boys.

My precious boys.

I have to keep it together.

I’ll take the stupid pills.

I’ll keep myself alive.

For them.

For my boys.

They need me.

And I need them.

Sometimes forgiveness is really hard

I need to forgive.  I know that.

Sometimes it takes a while.

Sometimes I don’t want to.

But I need to.

I know I’ll feel better when I do.  This baggage is heavy.

Forgiveness just means giving up the baggage.

It doesn’t mean trusting someone who may not be trustworthy.

I know all this.

But it’s still hard.

Things I’m grateful for today 20180110

  1. Radio
  2. Songs
  3. Nothing was seriously damaged
  4. Moving boxes
  5. My car gets good gas mileage
  6. My boys still love me
  7. Self-love
  8. ASMR videos
  9. Retrowave/Synthwave
  10. I’m still alive

Self-control

I’m not an expert when it comes to self-control.

I’m not very disciplined.

I do a good job in some areas, though.

I usually hold my tongue when I think of something hurtful.

I never damage anyone’s property.  At least, not intentionally.

Not that I never think of it.

I just don’t do it.

Because it’s wrong.

I think that’s obvious.

The School of Hard Knocks

Sometimes I’m thick-headed.

Sometimes I have to be taught a lesson multiple times.

Those lessons can be painful.

Lessons like, “Get to know someone really well before deciding to marry them.”

Or, “Don’t have sex with someone you’re not married to.”

I think I’ve finally learned those lessons now.

I hope so.  They’ve come at a high price.