Should I stay or should I go?

My wife told me she wants a divorce.  Six months ago.

She hasn’t filed yet.  I’m sure she’s going to.

I lost my job at the end of the year.

Tensions are high at home.

Up to this point I’ve decided to stay.  I want to be with my boys as much as possible.

Sometimes things are okay at home.

Sometimes they’re unbearable.

I don’t want to do something I’ll regret.

I don’t want my boys to feel abandoned.

I don’t know how much longer I can handle the tension, though.

Things I’m grateful for 20180104

  1. Being able to hold my tongue (most of the time)
  2. Cuddling with my boys
  3. Hope for a better future
  4. A supportive mom
  5. My therapist
  6. My faith
  7. People posting resources online
  8. Nature
  9. Small towns
  10. Love

10 ways to live well

  1. Spend lots of quality time with my boys
  2. Be as spiritual as possible
  3. Eat well
  4. Exercise regularly
  5. Make a meaningful contribution to the world
  6. Help others make a meaningful contribution to the world
  7. Spend time with people who care about me
  8. Avoid negative people
  9. Travel
  10. Get plenty of sleep

I like kids’ stuff

I buy old toys on eBay.

Toys I had as a kid.

Toys I wished I’d had.

I buy myself new toys, too.  Hot Wheels.  Funko Pop! figures.

I like cartoons.  Teen Titans Go!  Powerpuff Girls.  Phineas and Ferb.

I like little kids’ shows.  Mister Rogers.  Thomas the Tank Engine.

My older son LOVED Thomas.

My younger son didn’t like Thomas as much.  I was a little disappointed.

I’m not very mature.

Things I’m grateful for 20171225

  1. Jesus Christ
  2. My kids’ faces as they open their gifts
  3. Fatherhood
  4. My boys getting along
  5. Being done with wrapping presents
  6. Snow
  7. Central heating
  8. Insulation
  9. Not having to work today
  10. Memories

Family is a treasure

My five-year-old sleeps in my wife’s bed.  He has for a few months now.

He goes to sleep a lot earlier than she does.

He always wants someone to be with him.

My wife is usually busy with homework.

I don’t mind laying down with him.  Most nights that’s what I do.

The other night I was laying down with him.  I was rubbing his hair.

My mind kept wandering.  I reminded myself that my time with my boys is short.  I tried to stay focused on being with him.

I realized there wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to be right then.

What better place could there be?

I still love my wife

It’s a weird situation.

My wife told me almost six months ago she wants a divorce.

She was thinking about it a long time before that.

We still live together.  We sleep in different rooms.

She hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  She talks about it occasionally, though.

I’m not really in a hurry.  I just wish I knew for sure what was going on.

I still think the world of her.

She has plenty of flaws.  I’m sure she knows that better than I do.

She wanted to be with me when I could barely support myself.

She was supportive of me when I was laid off and couldn’t find another job.

She worked to support our family so I could go to college.

She forgave me the first time I told her I’d been lying to her and that I was addicted to porn.

She stayed with me when I told her I wasn’t going to finish my degree.

Best of all, she’s given me two sweet, wonderful little boys.

I hate that I hurt her.  Again.

It hurts me to lose her.

Whatever happens though, I want her to be happy.

The worst thing about divorce

It’s my boys I worry about.

I’ve never been divorced before.  Neither has my wife.  But we’ve both been though painful breakups before and come out okay.  We’ll both be okay this time, too.

My boys grow up in an intact home.  Now that’s not going to happen for them.

I worry how their parents’ divorce will affect their ability to have good marriages of their own.

I worry about not being around to protect them.  They’re not big enough to defend themselves against an adult.

I worry that if I’m not with them every day if will hurt our relationship.  Will we be as close as we are now?  Will we drift apart?

I worry about so many things.

Worrying won’t solve anything.  All I can do at this point is the best I can.

I just wish it was better.

Two reasons to live

A lot of people know that Ernest Hemingway killed himself.

Not as many people know that his father also killed himself.

So did his son.

Many times the children of people who commit suicide go on to commit suicide themselves.  That’s not what I want for my boys.

I love this comic by LunarBaboon.

I know my kids need me.

I grew up without a dad.  I don’t want my kids to have to go through that.

I want to see them grow up and have kids of their own.

I want to give them the best life I can.

I can’t do that if I’m dead.