A lot of people know that Ernest Hemingway killed himself.
Not as many people know that his father also killed himself.
So did his son.
Many times the children of people who commit suicide go on to commit suicide themselves. That’s not what I want for my boys.
I love this comic by LunarBaboon.
I know my kids need me.
I grew up without a dad. I don’t want my kids to have to go through that.
I want to see them grow up and have kids of their own.
I want to give them the best life I can.
I can’t do that if I’m dead.
Last Thursday I blew up at my wife.
She was filing for divorce online and asking me questions.
I got irritated and eventually exploded. I said a lot of hurtful things that I regret.
At one point I thought about killing myself. I hadn’t thought about that for a long time.
Eventually I calmed down and apologized.
Later I realized I wasn’t as okay with the divorce as I had thought.
Part of me was still hoping she’d change her mind.
I try to be optimistic. I tell myself the future can be better than the present.
Sometimes it’s hard though.
Yesterday morning I was watching old family videos.
Wife and kids happy.
Now it’s coming to an end. That makes me feel depressed.
I wish I could go back and fix it. But I can’t.
I used to think about killing myself a lot. I’d have a fight with my wife and think “I can’t take this anymore!”
I rarely have those thoughts anymore. They still show up occasionally, though.
Therapy helps. Anti-depressants help. Thinking about how I can improve helps.
I still get depressed.
I don’t want to get divorced. It doesn’t seem like I have a choice, though.
But I can’t give up on life.
Ray Bradbury’s parents couldn’t afford to send him to college.
Since he couldn’t go to college, he read every book in the town’s public library.
He turned out okay.
If you’re reading this you have access to the greatest library the world has ever known.
Make the most of it.