- My family being here today
- Time to talk with my son
- Watching The Last Jedi with my son
- Carrie Fisher
- The theater’s restroom being directly across from the auditorium we were in
- Cafe Rio
- Costa Vida
- A new pillow
- Get repairs done to her house
- Get her a new house
- Get her some physical therapy
- Get her to see a therapist
- Support her so she can stop working
- Help her with lanudry
- Help her with grocery shopping
- Change all the burned out light bulbs
- Let her see my boys more often
- Take her to the zoo, etc., and rent her a scooter.
- I have a place to go
- I’m not terribly gullible
- Friends who care about me
- Public restrooms
- Taking them to museums
- Taking them to Church
- Not losing my temper
- Showing them alternatives
- Helping them think outside the box
- Taking them out into nature
- Meditating with them
- Helping them set goals
- Not feeling sad all the time
- My boys haven’t left yet
- I have another paycheck coming
- My creativity
- Being clean
- Online bill pay
I took my pills this morning.
I feel so pathetic that I have to take pills to feel okay.
I hate that they keeps me from feeling some things.
On Christmas I watched Mr. Krueger’s Christmas.
I always cry at the part where he’s talking to baby Jesus.
I’m crying now just thinking about it.
Not last Christmas, though.
I wanted to.
I tried to.
But I just couldn’t.
It kept me from enjoying it as much as I usually do.
I hate this.
It makes me feel like a robot.
When I forget my pill I feel normal until the next day.
Then I make up for all the sadness I couldn’t feel before.
I don’t think I’m who you wanted me to be.
I’m not what you needed.
I wasn’t good about helping you.
I’m not good about cleaning.
I’m a slob.
I didn’t cook.
I didn’t do all the things.
I did some things for you.
I just wasn’t good about doing the things you really wanted.
I really tried sometimes.
I just couldn’t keep it up.
I don’t know why.
I wanted to be your Prince Charming. The one who’d never hurt you. The one who’d rescue you from the people who hurt you.
But I was one of those people.
I lied to you.
I let you down.
I wasn’t who you wanted me to be.
I wasn’t who I wanted me to be.
I’m trying to become someone better.
It’s so hard.
It takes so long.
I know it’s too long for you.
I hope in a few years I’ll be the dad our sweet boys deserve.
I hope you can be happy. You deserve it.
I don’t mean to act like I don’t care.
These stupid pills are keeping me alive long enough to change.
But they also keep me from showing how sorry I am.
I’m able to write this now because I didn’t take them yesterday.
I’m so sorry for letting you down.
I hope you can find someone who’s everything you want.
I found out yesterday that my wife is planning on moving out this weekend.
She says she can’t take it anymore.
I found out yesterday.
Apparently my boys’ classmates found out before I did.
She’s taking my boys.
My precious boys.
I have to keep it together.
I’ll take the stupid pills.
I’ll keep myself alive.
For my boys.
They need me.
And I need them.
- Martial arts
- Weight lifting
- DDP Yoga
- Climbing stairs
- Thumb wrestling
I need to forgive. I know that.
Sometimes it takes a while.
Sometimes I don’t want to.
But I need to.
I know I’ll feel better when I do. This baggage is heavy.
Forgiveness just means giving up the baggage.
It doesn’t mean trusting someone who may not be trustworthy.
I know all this.
But it’s still hard.