Not who you needed

I don’t think I’m who you wanted me to be.

I’m not what you needed.

I wasn’t good about helping you.

I’m not good about cleaning.

I’m a slob.

I didn’t cook.

I didn’t do all the things.

I did some things for you.

I just wasn’t good about doing the things you really wanted.

I really tried sometimes.

I just couldn’t keep it up.

I don’t know why.

I wanted to be your Prince Charming.  The one who’d never hurt you.  The one who’d rescue you from the people who hurt you.

But I was one of those people.

I lied to you.

I let you down.

I wasn’t who you wanted me to be.

I wasn’t who I wanted me to be.

I’m trying to become someone better.

Too late.

I’m sorry.

It’s so hard.

It takes so long.

I know it’s too long for you.

I hope in a few years I’ll be the dad our sweet boys deserve.

I hope you can be happy.  You deserve it.

I don’t mean to act like I don’t care.

These stupid pills are keeping me alive long enough to change.

But they also keep me from showing how sorry I am.

I’m able to write this now because I didn’t take them yesterday.

I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I hope you can find someone who’s everything you want.

2 thoughts on “Not who you needed”

  1. Oh Phil. I’m sorry, at some point I was better about being empathetic but lately I’m just so hurt and angry. I love you and I know you have incredible potential. Maybe we both needed this to help us grow and become better. It sucks but it seems like pain is a great way to learn. I wish I could take back my mean words and just understand what is going on inside your head, but I can’t. Please take your medicine. A lot of side effects drop off after taking it consistently for a while or consider switching meds, but don’t just stop. The boys love you so much! Focus on them as much as you are able. *hugs*

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